“What Happened?” or “Losing Sight of my Passion”. Both titles would work.

Hello, blog reader.

I’m sorry.

If you look at my blog or follow me, you may notice that it’s been crickets for a while. I’ll be honest… I was struggling. To find my voice, to find my passion, to pick a direction. I could blame the pandemic but I’d also need to thank it too. But was that all? Was that the reason I got so lost and burnt out? I don’t know. I’m just rambling. Right?

I love books. I love to travel. I love to talk about both. I love to learn about new places and people and cultures and share that. COVID-19 obviously squashed a lot of people’s travel plans. Mine were no different. So I thought I could lean into my reading. I admire so many Book Bloggers, BookTok, Booktwt, YouTube bookish content creators. I thought, “Hey, that could be fun!” I wanted to make friends in that community. I felt like I needed to be on their level for them to say hi. (Honestly, I still feel out of their league.)

So I set myself a schedule. Made calendar reminders to post. Organized what I was going to post about and when. I heard it’s better to post regularly instead of sporadic so that was my goal. I made myself write reviews of EVERY book I read. Even when the inspiration wasn’t there. That’s what you do, right? Talk about books no matter if they’re a personal flop or not? And I stuck with books because I was told blogs need a steady theme and since travel was out…..

But it became work. I don’t mind work but I also don’t believe something I started for fun and as a creative outlet should also cause stress and anxiety. I began to dread posting because I felt stiffled, blocked, stymied. I’m not the type of person that can find the words when I force them. Writing prompts or mapping has never really worked for me. I do my best when it free flows from my conscious. I dump it all out on paper (or in a draft post) and clean it up later.

So I thought I would take a month break. Then a month became two. And two became half the year. You get the picture. The funny thing was, I didn’t stop reading. I didn’t stop exploring places that were deemed safe. That wasn’t really my problem. I just stopped posting about it.

The completely (I later learned / decided) pointless construct that I created was the problem. I’m not structured. I’m not organized. I’m not analytical. I’m chaotic and messy and spontaneous. I’m 100% a right brain person. I had to ask myself why I was trying to turn myself into something that I’m not? Who was I doing this for? If it was for me, why was I so unhappy?

Yes, COVID-19 killed my blog creativity. But like I said, it also allowed me the bandwidth to really look at myself. I can’t keep trying to be someone other than what the cosmos made me. I don’t want to do things like everyone else. I don’t want, nor do I care to “find” a niche where I “fit”. I just want to be unapologetically me and if I pick up friends along the way, I’ll feel blessed knowing you’re seeing the real me.

I don’t plan on taking my old posts down. I wrote them and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of that effort. But this blog will have a different vibe moving forward. It’ll be more stream of consciousness as I go through my life. There will still be book reviews, of course. But there will also be posts about my travel adventures or a recipe that I tried and want to share. There will probably be made up thought bubbles that pop in my head because I saw or heard something. Heck, there may even be a rave/rant about a show I’m binging.

But it’ll all be organic and that the best I can do. Because that’s me. Random, scattered, happy.

Sincerely, Katie 💜

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